I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?