Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.