ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
don’t be scared
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time