Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
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if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff