United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
My circle of trust is a meatball
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?