The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
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*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.