Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”