[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
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I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Classic German Shepherd 😂
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…