I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Mad Max Arctic Road
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.