Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
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I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
How times have changed.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.