My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
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*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
There is no try. There is only give up.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”