My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!