First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
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I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
“No way.” -Jose
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
#damn
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…