“No way.” -Jose
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If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.