I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
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8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?