I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
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This bar smells like my childhood.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
smartest karate player in the world
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.