Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

The Birdles

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth