I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
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APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
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I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
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painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
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Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
May have had one breakfast too many
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Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.