Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
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being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.