My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
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“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…