Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
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[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Mistakes were made
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.