Mistakes were made
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doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread