my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
*seductively eats two tums*
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand