“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
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Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’m calling the cops.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.