[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
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So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.