I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
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*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
i meant to share this earlier
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.