Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
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If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
Why are bridges so flammable.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?