Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
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getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?