Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
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“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]