There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.