LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?