me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
life finds a way
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook