Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.