Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
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Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.