Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
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Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
going to the ER y’all need anything
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Waiting for the Charmin
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs