Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
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How animals would run if they were human
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
The government even made aliens boring
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?