I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.