*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
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If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Brother?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.