Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
You Might Also Like
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My neck my back my allergy attack
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”