My neck my back my allergy attack
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Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no