What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
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NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Oh thanks BBC.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.