[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
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NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
What personal space?
My dog
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.