wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way