I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

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Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.


Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women


I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.


90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.


*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us


I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.