I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
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Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.