I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

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my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped


I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.


A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.


Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.


Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.


My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.


Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition