@Dawn_M_
@LizerReal my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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@LizerReal 
@NotUrPrettyFace I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
@ericonederful A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
@JustinGuarini Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
@krisv_723 Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
@SkinnieTalls I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
@kidnappedagain Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
@holupfam 
@sarcasticmommy4 My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
@newLettuce Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition