me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
it must be school picture day
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
This sounds bad:
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”