me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
how many bears make up a bear minimum
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff