Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
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My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Sex so good you see dead people.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Whoa 😂
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.