Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
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“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
this is the greatest thing ever
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.