I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
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#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
こいつ天才
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied