*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
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Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder