[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
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My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
The French word for sex is croissant.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.