Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
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Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
(Electricians.)
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open