Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
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After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
figuring out my emotional availability:
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet