On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Saturday
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”